Am I giving up on my dreams?

•June 24, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I left my old company because I wanted a change. I did not know what I wanted so I had to think about what I wanted out of a job, rather than think about what I did as a job. I wanted to work from home because I hated commuting. I wanted to work with people, I wanted to help people. I tried getting into insurance sales. I found that it did not agree with me when I spiraled into such a deep depression that I was sobbing uncontrollably and could barely move for entire days. I never shared any of this with my husband either – at least not for a while. He has no idea how bad I was doing. He knows I have gotten some medication which was a huge help, and that I blame myself for failing at sales. I also blame myself for the financial nightmare we are now facing.

Now I am job hunting and have thrown all of those dreams of what I want from a job out the window. It is sad, but apparently I place a little too much pressure on myself to be in total control of my career like I was in sales. I would much rather someone else be in charge and just sign my paycheck. Hopefully I can find something with flex hours so I can avoid the commute some days…..

My job

•June 22, 2009 • Leave a Comment

It’s Monday morning. I rise before my husband as I usually do. I go down and feed the cats – although they have food, they insist that I escort them anyway. I make my cup of tea, then head back to bed to read until the husband wakes up after much ignoring of the alarm. Once he rises from his dead slumber, I go to the laptop and do the usual searches for a job. On Careerbuilder, you can search for job posts since yesterday. 28 results this morning. I am able to scan them quickly and do not find anything interesting. I pull the jobs on Monster but it does not let you pull the ones just since yesterday – you have to whittle it down. After reading through all of the listings, still no jobs for me. I check email and Facebook.
My day is done by 8:30 in the morning. If I were getting paid, this would be a sweet job.

Is this an age thing?

•June 15, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I have been pondering what has been happening in my head over the last couple of months, maybe longer, and wondering if this is a sort of midlife crisis for women? It started with just being miserable in my perfectly fine job. It wasn’t rocket science, I had my own office, I was busy, but yea, I hated working for my micro-managing, hyper-critical boss. I started job hunting after a conversation I had with her in which she said I needed to make some choices – her way of saying find another job since I was so obviously unhappy. I started looking and nothing was appealing to me. I realized I had no idea what I wanted to do. If I could qualify for any job I wanted – what would it be? ………. Yea, I got nothing. I came across an opportunity to sell insurance. That sounded good since I could work from home, control my own hours and pay and also help people. Little did I know that the stress of leaving my perfectly good job would drive me over the edge emotionally. Suddenly I was completely terrified to make phone calls – which are the lifeblood of the work. Terrific. I finally got to the point, between the stress of trying to force myself to do this, and the bills coming up due and no income coming in that I had a bit of a breakdown. I could not stop crying, everything was setting me off. I got to the doctor and got some meds to help level that off, which it did.
Now I just feel completely unmotivated – can barely move at all during the day. But I am not crying – so that is a start I guess.

breathe….breathe

•June 14, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Today it is a beautiful day out, but I am experiencing this weird sensation that I am two seconds away from a complete panic attack. My mind skitters over all the bills that are coming due and the fact that my cats are sick and that I do not have an income currently – and a tightness attacks my chest. Not a serious tightness like a heart attack – just a sense of – well, panic under the surface. I have been recently prescribed an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety medicine, but I only take the anxiety stuff at night to help me sleep through the night instead of waking up freaking out every other hour. it says to take it 3 times a day…but not sure how it would interact. I might try because I can’t focus on anything but this sensation. Kicking myself for quitting my job and bringing this on myself. IDIOT.

it’s just a blog

•June 9, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I decided to start this blog more as a personal journal than anything else. I also like the idea that others can see it but I maintain my anonymity. I like knowing I can talk about anything here, so there will be some randomness happening for sure.

Right now I am sitting in front of the window in my 2nd floor bedroom and there is a summer storm moving in. I love storms. I was woken at five this morning to heavy lightning and thunder and loved it. There have not been any tornado alerts, but my eye is still drawn to the sky. The rumbling, threatening clouds, the high winds; I can’t help but look for a twist in the sky. I have never actually seen a tornado and it is the one thing I have had nightmares throughout my life about. The tornado in my dreams is always the same one – the one from the Wizard of Oz. Obviously that movie must have impacted me more than I realized. I think it is because I wish I could escape to Oz just like Dorothy did.